PFA Tips: 2019 New Year’s Resolutions

I will create the “business look” onesie and wear it to my child’s school transition meetings.

I will attach small metal chips to every one of my son’s Legos and then create a long pole with a magnet plate that can be used to clear a safe path before I enter a room.

I will start throwing away my son’s doodles I find stuffed in his backpack in neighbors’ recycle bins. Three streets away. Maybe four.

I will invest in my own set of noise canceling headphones to block out the never ending screams for
“MOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!!”

I will stop grinding down my teeth to nothing every time my son tells me 693 facts about WWII but will not tell me if he opted to put on underwear.

I will remember 4 out of 5 times with 85% accuracy why I walked into a room.

I will stop wearing Wonder Woman boots and a cape to IEP meetings. Haha – no I won’t.

I will stop throwing “Bathroom Break” cards at my co-workers every time I need to go to the Ladies room.

I will stop calling for my child when door-to-door salesmen ask to speak to the person that runs the house.

I will give my son the “talk to the hand” when he tries to convince me that he doesn’t understand how to operate a vacuum, since he can fluently explain how
nuclear reactors work.

I will begin an Indiana Jones type quest in search of my son’s lost chargers for devices he apparently cannot be 3 seconds without.

Since I can’t get my kids to finish eating breakfast before I shove them out the door (at which point my son screams I didn’t give him time even though I spent 45 minutes trying to get him to come downstairs,) I’m going to try a new life hack. I’m dressing them in hoodies on backwards and filling the hood with dry cereal for them to eat on the way to school. Wet cereal if they test my last nerve.

I should probably explore why my child knows 9,000 facts about the Saw movies…..

I will ignore all online articles that argue ketchup is not a vegetable as I watch my son pour half a bottle directly into his mouth. It’s the closest food to a vegetable he’ll eat.

I will focus on making sure my son’s hacking skills land him on the right side of Homeland Security.

When people give my child and me that judgmental glare, I will resist shouting out that I am a prize-winning MMA fighter.

I will not “accidentally” trip and spill my water on someone when they say they are sorry in response to me telling them my son has Autism.

I will start using a Positive Behavior Supports model on parents who behave badly during their kids’ sports games.

I will stop screaming at the TV every time an actor portraying a person with Autism is unrealistic, over acting, or just plain off the mark.

I will stop kicking the door open and yelling “LET’S DO THIS THING” at the start of every IEP meeting.

I will add “change my Amazon password” to my daily “to do list” so that I can remove “call Amazon to cancel my child’s order for 50 copies of the Beauty and the Beast DVD.”

When on vacation, I will remember to pack all 27 of my child’s toy characters from Toy Story so that we can carry them around the whole week while we are on vacation because we just need them.

Because we cannot leave the theater until the rolling credits are finished – every.single.line, I will learn to use that time wisely, make a shopping list, decide on
dinner, read a book . . .

I will find a doctor for my adult child who appreciates conversations with him about the shortcomings of western medicine.

When making sensory fidgets, I will not fill the balloons with flour. No flour, do not use flour.

I will finally get that “High Fives not Hugs” tattoo I’ve been wanting.

I will stop saying “hashtag autism” when things irritate me.

I will open a savings account to start saving for all the Holiday/End of Year presents I need to buy for my kid’s support team next year.

Starbucks will name a location or a drink after me considering how much money I spend in their stores.

I will stop sharing every detail of my son’s foray into puberty at work.

© 2018 Pathfinders for Autism